Blame it All on Alcohol
by Final Hikari
Summary: Far off in a distant timeline where Lightning works for the Academy under Mr. Hope Estheim, the Director has meticulously planned a perfect, surprise Valentine's Day with her after years of never making the most of the holiday. Unfortunately for Hope, his plans fall apart when he arrives with presents and restaurant reservations, only to discover her time otherwise occupied.


Blame it All on Alcohol

Chapter I

Plans Set Off Course

Director Hope Estheim did not drink. He couldn't even recall recently having a glass of Champaign or wine at any of the government soirees, where such practices were common. It simply wasn't something he did; he always wanted to be fully aware and ready for anything.

But not that night at the NORA bar in Bodhum.

"Why does she like him so much better?" Hope slurred miserably.

"Maybe it's for the best," Snow said as he casually took a sip of his daiquiri.

"Is it because I'm her boss?" he theorized hopelessly. "Does she like…have something against workplace romances?"

"Maybe just because you never asked," Snow pointed out.

Hope sighed he finished his glass. "Maybe it's because I'm older than her…but I'm only twenty-seven! She's technically twenty-one, but still…that shouldn't be a problem!"

"You never asked her out," Snow repeated, but the director simply kept arguing with himself.

"Or is it because she doesn't like light haired guys? Maybe she's more into the tall, handsome, and…!" he trailed off, struggling to find the word.

"Dark," Snow and Lebreau chorused helpfully.

"And my hair looks gray half the time," he said despairingly as he started at his reflection in the glass. "She must think I look like an old man."

Snow made a significant effort not to laugh at how ridiculously the director behaved after a few drinks. Snow patted his shoulder consolingly as he motioned for Lebreau to pour them more drinks. She gave him a skeptical look as she refilled the glasses – albeit with more soda than alcohol in Hope's.

"Lightning can be pretty hard to understand," Snow said with a nod.

"But I'm the Director of the Academy!" he groaned, looking up at the lamp for guidance as though it were the sun in the sky. "I have the biggest house in Bodhum. I have more power than anyone else in this country! And I'm single," he added darkly. "What the hell could that guy have that I don't?"

"The guy with black hair, right? I heard he was a prince," Snow said with a shrug.

Hope choked on his drink. Snow tried not to laugh as he gave the young director a few heavy thuds on the back that would probably leave bruises.

"Keep your back straight," Lebreau added, but she turned away to hide her smirk.

"A prince?" Hope demanded, though he was still coughing. "Since when were there any _princes_ around?"

"Yeah, didn't you know?" Snow asked innocently.

"No!" he shouted back. "How can he possibly be a prince?"

"I don't know…supposedly she met him on a mission far away…at least that's what Serah told me."

Hope put his head back down on the counter as he groaned. "A prince. A freakin' prince."

"A freakin' prince," Snow echoed.

"He probably craps nuggets of _Perovskite_," the director said miserably.

"Then wipes with thousand gil bills," Snow chuckled.

"He probably bought her an _island_ for Valentine's Day. And I just gather some stupid candies and a talking Moogle toy…"

Lebreau poked through the rather large bag of Valentine's Day gifts, all of which had Lightning's name on the "to" label. The bag was set and neglected on the counter, though unlike the one who bought it, it was still in perfect, shining condition.

"This is a pretty darn good bag of gifts," she said approvingly.

"It doesn't compare to an island," Hope mumbled without lifting his head off the table. "Do you know how hard it is to shop for her? Most things are too girly or mushy. She would probably want to burn half the cards they have around…or at least laugh at them."

Snow motioned for another refill, but Lebreau shook her head reverently and moved the bottle onto the back counter. Snow lifted his arms up in a silent "why not?" but she only shook her head again.

"So Hope…when was the last time you drank?" the blond asked in a futile attempt to lighten the subject.

"High school," Hope responded blandly. "I lit myself on fire from a bad Firaga spell and haven't drank since."

Snow coughed to stifle his laughter. The director turned his head toward the bright red bag of presents, distantly thinking of how many different stores he went to get the highest quality and freshest chocolates. They card had been a challenge, to say the least. If it was too sickeningly lovey-dovey like most were, the best outcome would be her snickering at its – and by association, his – stupidity.

"A prince…" Hope trialed off despairingly. "I can't even go home now; Alyssa will be creeping all around and watching the entrances."

"Maybe you should go get a hotel room for the night if it's too far," Lebreau suggested as she patted his arm consolingly. "I'm sure they'd have a room for you at the place down the beach."

"The one Light and the prince were going to?" Hope questioned bitterly.

Lebreau winced. "Well, we have a spare room if you want to stay here…"

Snow shook his head abruptly and jumped up from his seat. Hope, thoroughly drunk and dismal, didn't pay much attention to Lebreau's protests as Snow pulled her toward the supply room.

"You can't let him stay here!" Snow whispered urgently.

"Why not?" she asked curtly. "You brought him here trying to be Mr. Good-Friend and solve it all with alcohol."

"But I'm meeting Serah in less than half an hour for our Valentine's Day date," he explained quickly. "And I wanted to bring her here afterward…if you know what I mean."

She regarded him with a scowl. "You're kidding, right?"

"No! My room was a mess so I fixed up the guest room with candles, silk sheets, and girly pink crap," he said, sounding proud.

"Take her to a hotel!" Lebreau insisted. "You want to marry her, you can't be cheap and not take her to a hotel."

"But all the good ones are booked up solid…"

Yuuj popped out of his room and tossed a key card toward Snow. "Got you covered, bro. Gadot booked it last month but is date ditched him once the room was no longer refundable."

Snow caught the hotel keycard and grinned. "All right!"

Lebreau walked away and shook her head slightly while the two high fived each other. If Hope had heard the conversation, it didn't show, since he still looked thoroughly miserable with his normally well maintained hair looking messy from spending so much time on the table. He tightened his tie in a halfhearted attempt to look anywhere near as official as he usually looked. He tossed a credit card across the counter and adjusted his collar as well.

"You can use the phone if you want to call a taxi," the bartender offered politely.

"I'll walk," he said as he grabbed the bag of gifts off the counter with a sour look; he didn't have any use for them.

After helping herself to a generous tip, Lebreau handed his card back to him with a sympathetic smile. He left the NORA bar feeling five times worse than when we went in; alcohol was a terrible and horrible thing.

His day has been a rather dreadful one even before the alcohol got involved. Back in Academia, he woke up to five alarms sounding since Alyssa got distracted from a flame durability test with chaotic repercussions. He didn't even want to think about how long it took to make the bag of gifts for Lightning perfect. If all that wasn't bad enough, his flight to Bodhum had gotten delayed by two hours. And when he did finally arrive, it was just in time to see the only Valentine he was interested in arm in arm with some tall, dark, and…

His mind drew a blank.

_Some stuck up brat leaving a restaurant with __**my**__ date and going straight to a hotel…_

_ And she wasn't wearing her uniform, she was wearing a dress._

_**A dress.**_

"She didn't even wear dresses in those old childhood pictures Serah shows everyone!" he shouted in frustration to no one in particular.

Several people on the sidewalk glanced over at him warily. A few others edges away from him as they walked past, but most of the couples were too preoccupied with each other to pay much attention to a forever-alone-drunk who looked strangely similar to the Director of the Academy.

_I've known her for ten years and I've never even seen her wear a dress._

The grim irony of just how long it had been and subsequently, how long it took him to make a proper plan to surprise her with a date, hung over him like a dark cloud. To make things even worse, he had even dropped his cell phone in the ocean when he saw Lightning and the so-called prince together.

The boardwalk path was an unforgiving one. He paused to glower at the entrance of the ocean front hotel where he saw Lightning and the other man entering. Mumbling something unflattering about Perovskite and princes, Hope trudged away.

* * *

Author's Note: I hope the summary gave enough warning that this is pure crack; Hope's 24 or 27 here and she's 21.

Just because a man can build a planet doesn't mean he isn't invisible to Snow's bad advice.

I actually wrote this over a year ago but never posted it because…well, it's so cracky. XD It's a total AU that actually came verbatim from a crazy dream I had when playing XIII-2, so please don't take it too seriously.

Nevertheless, I hope you can enjoy it too! :D

And yes, the summary is totally poking fun at the banter/flirting going on the Lightning Returns E3 demo between Lightning and Hope.

Next chapter will be up soon!


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